I am a product of a broken home. I know what it's like to feel torn. To feel as though you have to choose. Who do I spend time with? Will I hurt someone's feelings if I want spend more time with one parent vs. another. I always felt I had to keep my parental relationships separate. I had my life and activities with my mom and siblings, then I had my life with my Dad. Ive never known anything different. I remember when we all lived together. Some of my best childhood memories are of when I was younger, between the ages of 5-10. Everyone was home on holidays and most Sunday dinners. Mom would always make a yummy dinner and then we'd play pictionary or find other activities. We use to laugh and enjoy togetherness. Even now as an adult, I wish those times still existed in our family. We have our family moments from time to time, but it's not the same.
My Dad was a commercial airline pilot, my Mom a homemaker. From the outside looking in we had a great life. We never worried about the material things. My Dad liked to keep is humble by making us think we were poor. :) My mom took a lot of pride in making our home a place of comfort. Growing up I knew my parents loved me, I knew my brothers and sisters loved me, but I never knew my parents to love eachother. My Dad was away from home a lot for work. He would send home post cards from Paris, Africa, New Zealand and other fun places he got to visit while away. That's how I grew up - I was use to my home feeling like a business transaction. My Dad worked hard to support our family and my mom took care of us at home. Each one trying to hold up their end of the bargain. It just didn't know anything different. In fact, looking back I remember feeling weird if my parents were offectionate or even communicating. We all knew the day would come and if finally did. Thirteen years ago my Dad filed for divorce. He put our 30+ acre homestead for sell and served my Mom papers. In a way I was relieved.... That all of the akwardness around our home would finally be over. That maybe now I could see my parents happy. I had just turned fifteen when my parents divorced. Looking back I was masking my true feelings on the whole situation. I put up my tough teenager wall and acted as though everything was peachie. "I don't care", is what I would tell my friends or their parents when they asked me how I felt about my parents divorce. Little did I know how this relationship, or may I say, "marriage" I had watched my entire childhood would effect me for the rest of my life. My Dad re-married almost immediately after the divorce was final. Almost instantly my family had been given a total makeover. We moved to a new house, my Dad was taking me to meet his new wife and I felt as though we all had to pick which side of the family we were on. Team A or team B. Team Mom or team Dad. Naturally my Mom was very hurt over my Dad's overnight re-marriage. I felt as though I was betraying her love of I went with my Dad anywhere, let alone anywhere with him and his new bride. At first I think we all blamed my Dad for our broken family, but now that I'm older and not as innocent and sheltered, I can see why my parents are divorced. I only wish my parents had talked to us more about what was happening. Enrolling us in counceling on how to deal with the new emotions, thoughts and separated lives. Placing more emphesis on making sure my siblings and I would feel safe and be able to fully comprehend all the changes. I never knew how much my childhood would effect me until I started to date. I had a hard time letting any man into my bubble. Most of my paternal nurturing came from a post card from Houston or a phone call from a hotel room between flights. I didn't know how to let another man genuinely love me. I had never seen my Dad love my Mom that way. I had never seen compassion, communication, charity, etc. I had never seen a true example of LOVE!
One day it did happen and I fell in love. I met a young man at church. The first time I saw him I turned to my friend and said, "WHO IS THAT"!?!?!? My friend introduced us and soon discovered we had similar likes and a common background. We both had our guard up for a while, ya know...playing the game. I knew I was falling for this guy and I was scared. I didn't want him to break my heart, so I kept my wall up. Then one weekend we went to Dodge, Nebraska for his best friend's wedding. He was a groomsman, and he looked handsome in a tux! We danced at the reception, oh how we danced. I remember we were the couple people were watching. We were that couple. On the way home from Nebraska he played a song for me. He sang along with the tune and I felt a lump in my throat. "Is this love????" "It this what it feels like??" I was scared! Scared of the unknown. Scared it would go away and I would be faced with another life makeover. Scared it would end like the other relationships i've experiences. To my surprise the next day he asked me to marry him and I said yes. Then an hour later I asked, "did you really ask me to marry you?" I remember him saying, "I sure did" with a big smile on his face. It was fast and furious but it felt right. It just felt like what was supposed to happen. No more fear, I knew he and I were going to be our own family. I once again had my own family! This family was going to be different than the one I came from... It was gonna last! That was 2003 and life was great! We both worked two and three jobs and he finished school. We moved away for work and we settled in with life. We endured our challenges of an ectopic pregnancy, and three more years of trying to get pregnant again with no success. It was an enotionall rollercoster, but such is life! "Funny how just when you think life can't possibly get any worse it suddenly does." Douglas Noel Adams
One morning, almost instantly it seemed like it was over. I often feel responsible for what happened. I have the thoughts of, "if I hadn't said this that one time". Or, "If I had let him do what he wanted that one time". "If I had loved him more". Suddenly I woke up in a marriage I didn't recognize. "This isn't MY marriage, my family, MY home falling apart". It did. It crumbled, collapsed, evaporated. I was in shock. I was in denial. I was in for it! I never knew the amount of pain my own personal divorce would create. As my headline reads: "A divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there's less of you". It's so true! You are never the same, ever EVER! Yes you heal, you mend and move on. Time passes by and feelings fade, memories are more distant, but it's the legacy of divorce that lives on!

A statistical summary from The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce

· Nearly half of all first marriages end in divorce, while 60 percent of second marriages end in divorce.
· Since 1970, at least a million children a year have seen their parents divorce.
· Half of the children whose parents divorce are under the age of six when the breakup occurs.
· 25 percent of all children will spend part of their childhood in a step-family.
· A quarter of adults under the age of 44 are children of divorce.
· Children from divorced and remarried families are three times more likely to be referred for psychological help at school than their peers from intact families.
· 40 percent of all married adults in the 1990s have already been divorced.
· 40 percent of all marriages in the 1990s involve one or both people who have been married before.
· Children from divorced and remarried families are more aggressive toward their parents and teachers, experience more depression, have more learning difficulties, and suffer from more problems with peers than children from intact families.
· One in four of the children in this study started using drugs and alcohol before their 14th birthday. By the time they were 17 years old, over half of the teenagers were drinking or taking drugs.
· Children of divorce and remarriage are sexually active earlier, have more children out of wedlock, less marriage and more divorce. In this study, one in five female children of divorce had her first sexual experience before age 14. Over half were sexually active with multiple partners in high school.
· Adult children of divorce have more psychological problems than those from intact marriages.
· 40 percent of the men and women in this study have never married.
· Two out of three adults in the long-term study of children of divorce have decided not to have children.

Maybe this is why God's blessing in disquise is that I didn't have children in my first marriage. He must know me better than I know myself! Don't get me wrong. I can't wait to be a mommy someday to the most adorable kids alive!!! However, I CAN WAIT to make sure this time, I have a solid marriage to raise them in.
HOW AM I GOING TO DO THAT??? UGH I hope it happens one day. I hope I've taken the time to see where my parents lacked and I can see where I want to excell in those areas to safeguard my future family. I want to do this because I don't want my children wondering what love is. I want them to KNOW what love looks like, feels like, acts like, smells like, tastes like, sounds like and I want them to someday say they always felt love at home. So many things I hope to pass onto my children someday. However the legacy of divorce is one of many things I hope to bipass in my lineage. I have seen many in my family struggle with divorce. I see my little nieces and nephews struggle with living in a broken home and it breaks my heart. I just want to scoop them up in my arms and protect them. So they don't grow up afraid to love thinking it always ends with pain. I won't want them to grow up like I did. I don't want them to have to ever experience a divorce of their own. I just want to keep them safe. I want to shower them with all the love that I posess.
I think a lot of people think the grass is always greener on the other side. Maybe it is, but I almost guarantee it doesn't stay green for long. Of course in my book there are valid reasons for divorce: Abuse, adultry, fraud, etc. However lately it seems as though our disposible society has added marriage to the recycle list. I would never wish a divorce upon my worst enemy. I only wish more people took the time to stop and enjoy what they have. To realize that family is a blessing and love is precious. Looking back on my parents and my own marriage I think if the following had been practiced, it might have been easier to feel love at home.
"We need to be kinder with one another, more gentle and forgiving. We need to be slower to anger and more prompt to help. We need to extend the hand of friendship and resist the hand of retribution. In short, we need to love one another with the pure love of Christ, with genuine charity and compassion and, if necessary, shared suffering, for that is the way God loves us....Howard W. Hunter